Advice to Self: Just Keep Going

Do you ever feel like you’re taking one step forward and two steps backward? Lately that’s been me. As an optimist, I can see the progress I’m making slowly and steadily. As a realist, I keep wondering, “When will I finally feel at peace? Will this ache ever go away?” The answer might be years away, so in the meantime I’ll just keep going. That’s handy advice my mom used to tell me.

Two weekends ago, I was ready to take the leap on my first real solo travel. To define this term for me: solo travel is where I, and I alone, plan, reserve, and take a trip without another human providing any assistance in making that happen.

I had two places selected—Austin, Texas and Huntsville, Alabama. Each city has a Dambo troll, and, as I’ve mentioned before, going solo to see a troll feels safe. The people who visit trolls have always been kind, and I just love who’s attracted to the hunt.

Well, two weeks ago I had a mini-panic attack and spent my weekend home, on the couch. I wanted to go to one of the cities, but somehow neither my body nor my mind would go.

I’m not afraid to travel. I happily board planes, and I willingly go anywhere. For every preceding trip, I’d either go with someone OR to meet someone. Not this time. It would be only me.

My panic seemed to be transformed worry. How would my heart handle if I saw my former spouse? Would my dreams increase? Could I manage the pain? Would I make it through the day?

Folks, it has been over a year and a half, since my home became a single person home, and yet I currently take weekly classes that help me move to a happier emotional state. Mostly, I’m happy. However, pain still lingers in the deep recesses of my heart. I’m trying to help those parts of me heal because I’d like every moment of every day to be full of gratitude and hopeful anticipation for my beautiful future.

Thus…classes designed to help heal the hidden parts of me have been a priority. After each class session, though, I fall asleep and dream. Those dreams include my former spouse. Each one differs with some showing the joy we had in the good times and with others showing his joy in his new now. Either way, I struggle. Yes, one night of dreams turns into two or three nights in a row until finally I’m dreamed out. Then, my class rolls around again, and I repeat the process.

Gradually, my regular day to day experiences have begun to show me as a happy and healthy person. I engage well with others, and I don’t feel the weight of my sadness. No one really sees the side of me I’m describing now. So, when it came to traveling—our favorite activity together—I could not determine how returning to our familiar haunts alone would affect me…but nothing is ever gained if nothing is ever tried. So…I just keep going.

Last weekend (one weekend later from my panic attack) I gave myself no excuse. I committed to traveling to Huntsville, Alabama. I’d fly out at 5:23am and return by 11:40pm that night. With this decision came a necessary itinerary to follow (ensuring I’d have a great day):

1. Wake up and take day bag with me to the economy parking lot.
2. Take a bus to the terminal and go through security.
3. Head to the lounge (didn’t open until 4:30am, so walk for half an hour and return).
4. Eat breakfast and watch the boarding information.
5. Board plane to Atlanta.
6. Deplane and board flight to Huntsville.
7. Rent vehicle (agent gave me an electric car, so I wouldn’t have to fill up on the way back).
8. Visit US Space and Rocket Center.
9. Visit Huntsville Botanical Garden and see Mama Zelda!
10. If time, go to Burritt on the Mountain.
11. Return to airport and reverse steps 1-6.

With my itinerary ready, my mind and body set off for a great day—and what a day it was!